I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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