you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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