A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
