Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
