he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
