On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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