its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
