Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
