there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
