Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
