Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
