just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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