dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
