I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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