two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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