i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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