I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Pants are for mortals
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
