I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize