made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
