Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
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Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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