remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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