Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
