you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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