I can text with my tongue
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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