i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
