New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
