We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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