I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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