There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
