I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
only if we run a train.
done.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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