I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize