I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
