did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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