Your face is a jimmy john
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
