You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
