Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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