My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
