i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize