you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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