totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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