So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Of course I have a pirate flag
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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