Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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