i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize