didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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