That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
