you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
