we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
