My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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