Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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