Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize