guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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