The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
