He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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