btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize