I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
