No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
