If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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