Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize