I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
