I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize