I wanna bring you to show and tell
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
