Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
