this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
