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Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Let's paint friendship bongs
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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