He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
