New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
