some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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