if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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