Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
