I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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