i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize