I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
