she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
