her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
