I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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