woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
