I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize