I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize