Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
