Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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